About Me



Hi, my name is Hans Mackenzie Main. I write satire and copy for clients in the advertising and publishing industries. My work sells products and entertains several tens of people every day. To tap into the power of words, contact me today for a FREE quote.
My Rates



Writing: $50-$100 USD/h
Editing: $40-$80 USD/h
Proofing: $30-$50 USD/h
Skills




I am highly trained. My skill set includes, but is not limited to, people skills, typing skills, ideation and in-office skills such as meeting attendance. Product of the AAA prep school for highly skilled writers. I read briefs in full. I sit upright at my desk. I don’t jump up on clients. I let self out. I have a Moleskin notebook that helps me to project an air of proficiency. It’s the most expensive notebook I’ve ever bought, and may be the last. Shorthand still in development; penmanship: okay. My IT skills are suspect and I will require assistance with new email log in, browser settings, cookies etc. etc. Coffee machine capability: exemplary.
Experience




I’ve been in operation for 10 years. I’m web savvy and can move about the office at a reasonable pace, stopping only for polite conversation and to enquire about jobs currently running. I smile a lot. Great capacity for small talk should there be time for it. I have a great “feel” for current events and read the paper often. I can sit in a meeting for one hour. Longer if there are croissants or buttered scones. I’m in top shape – bants when not at the office - and will occasionally take the stairs. Small talk on the stairs will probably not happen.
Turnaround Times



I turn around quickly both as a writer and a human being. Writing, I’m able to turn around work in two hours if required. I work early mornings, which means, if you send me a brief by COB (close of business), I should be able to send the work the following day. Again, if it’s required. As for hours I can receive briefs, I’m open 24/7 throughout the year even on Christmas Day and all other major holidays - religious or otherwise.
Skype




I am Skype-enabled and have extensive knowledge of ceilings and wall art in offices both local and abroad. My Skype name is a mouthful at present for I have not had the time to figure out how to change it. It’s live:4e40a964f8b40492. And although it says ‘live’, I’m not live all the time. Email me and let’s set up a convenient time to Skype and make sure we’re on the same page.
Boardrooms



I also enjoy meetting in boardrooms. I believe a boardroom is an important space where important decisions get made. Deciding Thursday is the new Casual Day next to the water cooler simply does not have the same gravitas as doing so in the boardroom. The more glass your boardroom has the more cutting edge your company appears to be. A glass table is non-negotiable. Glass walls are nice to have. Glass chairs, well, that’s the future isn’t it? Boardrooms are rectangular, never triangular and most definitely not round. The only round spaces of importance involving tables are found at the United Nations headquarters and around the Knights of the, you guessed it, Round Table. The President of the United States does have a round office but you’ll notice even he has to talk over a rectangular desk. Too much wood in your boardroom makes you come across as old, environmentally angry and frankly a little up your own ass. Add gold to the foyer and you’re basically Donald Trump with less money. A boardroom is a place of business where no one should laugh for more than 5 seconds; anything in polystyrene - be it human, beverage or food - is frowned upon; only one person should talk at a time. Experience has taught me not to fidget, stare or whistle in a boardroom. Quipping, “Nice jugs” when the receptionist walks in carrying two jugs of orange juice is also not ideal. Whenever I walk into a boardroom, I like to note where my superior takes a seat. The client will invariably take position opposite him, which means I must sit two positions down from my superior so as to avoid direct fire from the client, but at the same time not appear to be unwilling to engage. Art in a boardroom is to be appreciated from a distance. Stroking the art - or knocking it to the ground sliding against the wall trying to avoid physical contact – is not only unnecessary, but disruptive and potentially embarrassing. When the PowerPoint in the boardroom does not work, do NOT under any circumstance stand up to try and fix it yourself. Call someone from IT. Make a prompt apology for the delay and the IT guy who, no doubt, will appear wearing jeans and tekkies and commence with small talk. Depending on the quality of your IT guy, you could be talking for anything from 5 to 20 minutes. If you see a sign outside a boardroom with the words ‘MEETING IN SESSION’, it means the boardroom is booked out and occupied. If you see NO sign outside a cutting edge boardroom it’s easy to look through the glass walls to see it’s booked out and occupied. Any boardroom occupied for longer than the allotted time is playing host to a discussion of such high importance that schedules become redundant. A boardroom in this state must be left alone. Any disruption subtracts precious seconds from the discussion, adding countless minutes to the time you are going to spend outside waitting. Once inside, people often suffer adverse reactions to boardrooms ranging from turning red to being unable to speak to falling asleep without intending to do so. In extreme cases, an individual not getting enough eye contact in a boardroom can drift off into their own thoughts for several minutes only returning to the boardroom when the speaker asks, “Garth, are you with us?” The victim will answer “yes” but the boardroom will know he or she means “no”. Anyone turning red in a boardroom not speaking or being spoken to is suffering an allergic reaction to nuts found in muffins found in boardrooms. This is a physiological response to the nuts and can not be directly attributed to the boardroom. It’s probably a good idea to evacuate the boardroom and call in emergency services at this point. Unlike most office spaces, boardrooms don’t have emergency evacuation plans. The general consensus is to go with the flow: board members first, executive committee members second, chief executive officers third and so on. Managing directors are required to switch off the lights. Managing members must please remember to put a dustbin outside the door to let everyone know the boardroom has, indeed, been evacuated. Cuting edge boardrooms obviously do not need the dustbin. It’s easy to see through the glass walls someone inside is suffering an acute allergic reaction to nuts found in muffins found in boardrooms.
Parties



A party is the last thing on my mind. In fact, I think freelancers who have the time to party misunderstood the ‘free’ part of their job titles, and are missing out on the opportunity to make cash. Freelancers who don’t party are of immense value to your business. Here’s why:
Performance
Pay close attention to a freelancer on-site and you’ll notice a specimen operating at the very peak of his or her powers, wholly detached from his or her environment in a display of focused disassociation found in sociopathic serial killers. Small talk decreases in size to be virtually non-existent, which leaves little room for office gossip and even less room to slander you, the boss. Shrouded in silence, the freelancer can complete a day’s work in the same time it takes to describe how you, the boss, have zero compassion, below-par dress sense and a laughable Instagram account.
Savings on Coffee
Any freelancer worth his salt fills his bloodstream with superior-quality caffeine before he sets foot out of the house. Roaming the office with pupils sufficiently dilated, the freelancer can go up to five hours without having to dig into the agency’s, admittedly, B-grade stash. Including water, milk, sugar, electricity, dishwashing liquid and man hours wasted waiting for the kettle to boil, the potential savings for your agency could run into the tens of hundreds of rands.
Less Talk of A Raise
The day a freelancer walks into your office to demand a raise chances are you have kept him or her on for too long which gave him or her the impression that he or she is now a full-time employee. Such behaviour by a freelancer is a gross violation of a number of sections of the freelancer’s code and brings into question the mental capacity of an individual clearly unable to process the information contained in a boilerplate service level agreement. There’s no point engaging. Simply get HR on board and escort the freelancer out of the building.
Space on the Team Photo
Freelancers are not into team building, which is why they’re freelancing. This “outsider” attitude might not appear beneficial on the surface, but look a little deeper and you’ll discover a worker irrationally invested in work because work is the only thing that stands between a freelancer and a life on the streets spellchecking the cardboard posters of his or her “new friends” freelancing at robots across the city. Cut the freelancer some slack and allow him or her to finish the job while the rest of the office fool around. Freelancers might not be part of the family, but like well-paid mercenaries they’ll keep their heads down to deliver work of the highest standard to ensure they’re called back to freelance another (half) day.
Emailing




The universally accepted way to start a formal email is “Hi”. “Hi” is the standard; the norm. Not “Hey” or “Hey there” or “Hiya”. Just “Hi”. After a solid “Hi” you can continue and sound as formal as you like. Try to wrap things up in 100 words or less and finish off with a widely accepted and often insincere, “Regards, so and so”. Your regards can be “best” or “kind”. I prefer “Best regards” over “Kind regards” and just a simple “Regards” over the lot. Under no circumstances should an emoticon come into play. Regards should end after the fourth email. When you’ve emailed someone and they reply and you reply and they reply you have established what’s known as a rapport. Regards now become redundant and should be avoided. Unless of course it’s part of your email signature in which case it’s redundant anyway. In extreme cases even “Hi” falls away and the emailing takes the form of a casual conversation. Sentences get sent back and forth with little or no punctuation. One word emails start to appear: “thanks” “ok” “excellent”. This is where you want to be. It’s the digital equivalent of having a drink with your colleagues and clients on a Friday afternoon. Everyone chills a bit and conversation becomes easier. Just like with Friday afternoon drinks though, you want to avoid using swear words and getting too personal. “What are you up to tonight?” and “That’s fucking great” are frowned upon.
The Bank



A while ago I emailed Absa bank to lodge a friendly complaint about birds in their (bank) branches. The matter was referred to customer service manager Magrietjie Dreyer (not her real name) who addressed the issues head on with a pr ompt reply and apology. Apparently, the white Cockatoo has been a problem in the branch for a while.
TO: ABSA
Hi Magrietjie
Due to circumstances beyond
my control I had to head
down to your physical
address to make a deposit
recently. Having not been out
for a while I was looking
forward to the outing.
Regrettably, it was an
awkward experience.
As I came through the
revolving doors, immediately
to my left, there was a man
with not one, but tw o birds
on his shoulders. On his hand
was another one. All three
birds were alive. The two on
his back could have been
Cockatoos or fancy
Cockatiels; the one on his
hand was definitely a budgie.
Walking a wide circle around
the freak I made my way to a
marble table where I filled
out a deposit slip.
After this I headed t o the
queue where I took position
facing a guy named Gar y and
with my back to someone
named Larry (I knew their
names were Gary and Larry
because they greeted each
other as such and s tarted
conversing about balustrades
and building practices and
things straight "through" me
like I wasn't even there. Gary
kept nodding his head but I
could tell by the look on his
face he didn't agree with
what Larry had to say).
Eventually I made it t o the
front of the que ue, but when
the digital contraption went
off, Larry dashed straight past
me to teller four.
After a while he look ed up
and asked if he "jumped" me.
I said if b y "jumped" he
meant took my place then,
yes, he "jumped" me.
About ten minutes later I
made my deposit at teller five
and on my way out - a little
flustered by what just
happened - I bumped in to the
guy with the birds upsetting
one of the Cockatoos setting
it off on a viole nt rage - the
animal squawking and
flapping its wings some thing
awful.
I doubt any of you noticed
this. How could you? Working
behind glass that thick how
were you to know the
front-of-house was
descending into anarchy?
For this reason - and because
you have better things to do
than teach your customers
manners - I took the liberty
of penning a letter you can
send them to improve
conditions. Please find it
below.
I don't bank with Absa, but
I'm happy to do this for the
greater good.
Regards,
Hans
[PROPOSED LETTER TO ABSA CLIENTS]
Dear Absa Client
It has come to our attention
that people still frequent our
branches to do their banking
offline. To accommodate this
we’d like to remind everyone
of some basic rules and
regulations.
Queues
Queues were designed to
create order in front of the
tellers and elsewhere. The
way a queue works is
everybody lines up front to
back to form a line. The
person at the front of the
queue has first option to be
helped when a teller frees
up. A digital device in the
roof above the queue will
indicate the next free teller
with a red stick figure running
towards the number of the
teller able to help. The
person at the front of the
queue can then briskly walk
to the teller indicated. Please
don’t run.
Birds
Please leave birds and other
pets at home when you visit
Absa. If you absolutely have
to take your bird(s) with you
when you go on errands,
kindly leave them in the c ar
with the windows cracked
while you do your banking.
Our banks weren’t built with
birds in mind and w e most
certainly do not have the
manpower to deal with a
situation should one of them
decide to take flight. Please
respect public spaces
reserved for humans and
enjoy the company of your
bird(s) in the comfort of your
home.
Thank you for your time. We
wish you happy banking
moving forward.
Sincerely,
Absa Bank
FROM : ABSA
Hi Hans
Thank you for your e-mail.
We had complaints from
clients on 25th April as w ell,
and the moment I saw the
client with his birds on Friday,
I called him to my office to
speak to him in p rivate.
I explained to him that he is
not allowed to bring his pe ts
into the bank, and that the
white Cockatoo walked into
one of the consultants offices
the previous day and
damaged a clients handbag.
We have not seen the client
since Friday in the ban king
hall again.
I also want to apologise for
another client jumping the
queue.
Kind regards
Magrietjie Dreyer
TO: ABSA
Hi Magrietjie
My condolences to the client
and her handbag. Thank you
kindly for getting back to me I
accept the apology.
Regards,
Hans
Social Media



This was a piece of satire for the Mail and Guardian newspaper.
Hey everyone, welcome to
social media class. My name
is Stacey and I’m
super-excited because today
we have a sequence for the
complete beginner. So, if
you’re new to social media,
or you have been curious
about social media and all its
beautiful, wonderful benefits,
this is a g reat sequence for
you.
You don’t need any blocks,
you don’t need any blankets;
all you need is an open phone
and an open mind.
If you have an iPad, that’s
great; otherwise, slide to
unlock and let’s get started.
Place your right hand on the
phone’s screen, slide your
index finger on the surface
and open Facebook.
Remember to breathe,
everyone. Go to the keyboard
and type what’s on your
mind. Click on “public” and
hit “publish”. Your post can
now be seen by everyone.
Are you with us, Dianne?
Good.
Now take your palms and
dive forward on all fours. On
your next inhale, move the
shoulders, drop the belly, and
look forward. A little Cat-Cow
stretch here ... Curl your toes,
walk your fingers back and
come up for a little rest. This
is a great opportunity to roll
the wrists out and reflect on
your post. Did anyone
denounce Islam or post a
picture of the Prophet
Muhammad? No? Great.
We’re doing great, everyone!
Stay connected to that
breath. Walk your palms out
and slowly bring the knees
back to come into our first
Downward Dog. Pulse in and
out of it a few times and
visualise your post. Are there
any hints of racism or
bigotry? Are your spelling
and grammar correct? Did
you call black people
monkeys? Penny? You did?
That’s okay.
Penny, I want you to slowly
rise up into the Mountain
Pose. Now lift your shirt so I
can lay into you with this
sjambok. This is called a
Twitter Backlash, everyone.
It’s a perfectly normal
reaction to something that
was said on the in ternet. It’s
important to remember that
all social networks are
connected. That’s why
they’re called networks.
Okay, everyone, extend the
right toes out long. We’re just
going to take a few seconds
here to breathe into that
back leg. Notice that I’m
rocking a little back and forth
here. Chris, you tweeted
“Apartheid victims are
increasing along with a sense
of entitlement” 30 seconds
ago. That’s okay.
Chris, I want you to press
away from the earth, press
on the tops of the feet and
just check in with one
Hovering Cat or Suspended
Banker. This is a gr eat pose to
gather your thoughts and
punch out an apology.
Awesome.
Okay everyone, let’s come
back to Table Top, bring the
two big toes together and
bring the knees as wide as
the mat. Great. Inhale. Loop
the shoulders, heart radiates
forward, exhale and send it
back. Extended Child’s Pose.
Here I want you to hold the
pose for the rest of the week.
I think it’s a good idea for you
guys to lay low for a while
and think about the hurtful
things you said.
Secret Santa



This was another piece of satire for the Mail and Guardian. Emails to the top staff of a failing Fortune 500 company.
Hi all,
And happy August. Just a
quick heads-up that this
year’s Secret Santa cap has
been dropped to R500 000
post-tax, down 50% from last
year’s record high of
R1-million.
The focus on this year’s event
will pivot away from material
values to the much more
meaningful principle of giving
for giving’s sake — for isn’t
that what Christmas is really
about?
We’d also like to extend a
sincere apology for the
awkwardness of last year’s
event that saw gifts
exchanged between our chief
executive and chairman only.
A thorough, and fiercely
independent, audit revealed
that buying the world’s
foremost racehorse, wrapping
the animal in g old paper and
delivering it via drone down a
chimney was indeed out of
reach for most Steinhoff
employees.
That being said, it’s a bull
market and nothing says you
care like a controlling share in
a top performer such as
Walmart, so get out there
and buy, buy, buy! Enjoy
Spring Day and good luck
with the shopping spree.
Happy Movember everybody!
A quick update on Secret
Santa: R100 000 is the
maximum you can spend this
year. That’s an additional 50
percentage points lower than
the grossly inflated amount
we communicated previously.
We know this is highly
irregular, but it se ems we’re
heading for a highly irregular
Christmas that will have to be
celebrated in the highl y
irregular shade of an
irregularly small Christmas
tree.
We’d also like to take this
opportunity to inform you
that your Christmas bonus
will come to the irregular
sum of zero.
But keep those chins up g uys
and don’t let it dampen your
appreciation for your
colleagues. Our very own Pep
Stores is having a remarkable
sale on socks and soaps with
up to 80% markdowns so go
out there and buy, buy, buy!
Hello everyone,
We’d like to squash the toxic
rumour going around that the
delay in the publication of
our financial results points to
fraud in the company and
that this might have an effect
on Secret Santa. Secret Santa
will go ahead regardless of
hearsay drivel.
To keep the event afloat our
intrepid chief executive made
the snap decision to buy
himself a Christmas gift in the
form of all the R5 Stores and
Cash Crusaders in the
country. There is no shame in
shopping at these stores so
go out there and buy, buy,
buy!
Dear staff,
It is with great regret and
sadness that we have to
inform you that this year’s
Secret Santa has been
cancelled. The Steinhoff
family will not be e xchanging
gifts in 2017.
Instead, we’d like to ask you
to write a message of hope
on stationery brought from
home and slide it under a
colleague’s door. For isn’t
that what Christmas is all
about? Giving each other the
things that money can’t buy?
Season’s greetings everyone,
and a happy New Year from
all of us in top management.
Igor the Goalie



More satire for the Mail and Guardian.
Hello friends! This is note
from Igor, your goalie. I’m
just writing to say hi, we
haven’t spoken for maybe
forever.
How is it going on other si de
of field? Wait, no, I have
answer for that. It’s going
great! We are attacking,
attacking, attacking. Keep
going!
Me? I am doing ok ay. Resting
a lot. Thinking. Bit sad, really.
Missing all of you. But I must
be strong. We are strong
team. Attack-minded.
I must also be honest with
you. I am lonely here. If you
look back you will see. It is
just me. I have water bottle,
yes, but, of c ourse, water
bottle doesn’t talk. The net
doesn’t talk. The people they
just shout and scream, no
talk.
So I was thinking, Merka, my
friend, what if you hanged
back? Keep me company?
What do you think? We have
good relationship, no? It will
be fun. I can walk out of my
box, no problem. I will bring
water, we can get ball, kick it
around.
But, if you’re busy, Merka, I
will understand. Everybody is
busy. The life of a
professional soccer player,
very busy. Off the pitch I am
also very busy. A real “busy
body”, as they say.
This morning, while you were
signing autographs with the
team, I was already busy
packing. I have a lot of
clothes to pack, Merka, more
than you. I have long shirt,
long pants, underpants,
shoes, socks and also gloves.
It is true, the kids don’t want
my autograph. They say I am
like drummer of team they
don’t care, but I don’t c are
too. The drummer some times
the most important part of
the band, the loudest.
Without drummer, who will
be at the back?
I know what you’re thinking
and, yes, you’re right. To be
alone with self is import ant.
Introspection, important. But
also important to remember
no man can be island. I say
that, but it’s not entirely true.
I am an island, Merk a. I am
being honest again. I am
feeling lonely even here in a
stadium of 80 000 people.
Why? I don’t know why. Very
hard to explain.
I come from good home,
good school, good village.
Before goalie, I play golf.
Before golf, I hit tennis ball
against wall. Do you see a
pattern? I have been to
doctor, psychologist (he tell
me to take up team sport,
football) and priest — no one
can help. I am still single,
Merka! Thirty-two and still
single. I bring shame to my
family. I bring shame to the
team. I am no good.
I’m thinking coach might take
me off, tell me to “hit the
showers”. I will probably cry
in shower, I am so sad right
now. New low.
What is all this cheering
now? Crowd is restless. It is
counterattack! I am going to
end note now, must make
defence. Merka! Are you
waving? Yes, you are! Run to
me, Merka! My old friend!
We will make defence
together.
Smile and Wave



I wrote this for a publication called Post Matric aimed at school leavers going to college or university.
The worst thing you can do
standing in the shade of a
large oak tree in front of an
admin building where the
miracle known as student life
was handed to you moments
ago in the shape of a roster
that indicates Monday classes
only start at ten and you
basically have the whole of
November and December off
and the birds are singing and
the sun is shining and you see
the next three years flash
before your eyes and there
are parties and siting on
grass doing nothing and more
parties and a bit of studying
and a lot of sle eping and
more parties and you come
back to the present and there
are your parents standing in
front of you - your father
beaming with pride, your
mother fighting off tears.
The worst thing you can do in
that special moment is to
turn around and run, kicking
your heels in the air
screaming, “Free at last! Free
at last!” at the top of your
lungs.
Saying goodbye to your
parents on your first day as a
student calls for some
restraint. The two people in
front of you – your mom
sobbing openly now; dad
consoling her – were by your
side for nearly two decades
guiding you, loving you,
bathing you and
embarrassing you pretty
much the same way they’re
doing now from the bottom
of their hearts.
The least you can do is to
tone it down and say
goodbye with a fake lump in
your throat and make-believe
regret that the years fighting
over curfew times have come
to an end.
Now. Faking emotion requires
energy and practice. The face
has 43 muscles, all of which
are hard wired to express the
deep joy you feel about the
prospect of embarking on a
new life. It’s called muscle
memory and, for the
purposes of our exercise, is
enemy number one.
Saying goodbye to your folks
as campus life erupts into life
around you will trigger your
face muscles to respond with
smiling or laughing or both.
Training those muscles to say
the opposite of what your
heart is telling them is
therefore of the utmost
importance when parting
ways with your guardians. At
that point, you want to
communicate sadness and
intense fear of the great
unknown that lies ahead.
The internet tells us that
sadness is best conveyed by
crying, but I’d advise steering
clear of such an outp ouring
of emotion so as not to
arouse suspicion. Besides,
mom might be crying already
which could make dad feel
left out. I therefore
recommend drooping your
eyelids and furrowing your
brow.
Fear is in the eyes, more
specifically, in large eyes
showing enough white to
blind an owl. You want your
eyes to scare your parents,
but not to the point where
they revoke your scholarship.
The right amount of fear will
move your mom to say
“Shame, did you see how
afraid he looked?” to your
dad in the car on the way
home. Nothing more, nothing
less.
Body language is a clear
indicator of where your head
is at and I think it goes
without saying turning on
your heel, running away from
your parents as fast as you
can, is not the bes t way to go.
You want to be subtle. Drop
your shoulders and kick in the
dust while looking down.
Lifting your hand to touch
dad’s shoulder won’t hurt
either.
Wikipedia advises actors to
“gaze at nothing in
particular” to convince
audiences of their sadness. I
would advise against that for
the simple reason that
everywhere you look on the
first day of the rest of your
life will fill you with
excitement about a lot of
specific things: the people
around you will appear to not
have a care in the world.
They will walk in groups, not
lines. They will carry their
textbooks for the day in one
hand, or not carry textbooks
at all. They will look happy
and content.
Looking at them – your future
fellow students – will only fill
you with hope and hope is
the shortcut to unbridled joy.
Maintain your composure. Try
to stay focused on your
parents and keep looking sad
for as long as possible.
When you feel happiness
coursing through your veins
and push up into your face,
turn around and slowly walk
away from your folks. When
you are about ten metres
away, turn around and face
your former house mates.
Smile and wave.
Goldfish with Four-Second Memory Found
Larger-brained fish dominates bowl
Blowing the previous belief that goldfish have a three-second memory out of the water, a fantail from Japan has stunned scientists with a memory
that seems to stretch back as far as four seconds. Filmed circling its bowl with a knowing look on its face, the fish is believed to be one-of-a-kind. “We got this call from a pet shop owner in Japan who claims he has a goldfish that appears to know things
the others don’t,” said lead scientist Claude Epsteen. “Naturally, we followed up and sure, there it was, swimming around like it owned the
place.”
Working on the premise that knowledge is power, scientists linked the goldfish’s dominance to an extended memory.
“Like, what else could it be?” Epsteen asked.
Scientists will continue to study the fish to establish whether its memory increases with age.
“We’ve clocked it at four seconds,” Epsteen said. “We’ll give it a day and check again. It could go for four and a half.”
Sweet, tangy caramelised onion jam
Bank Teller Smiles at Customer
Emotions get the better of trained employee
Guy Birkenhead, a bank teller at Fintech Bank in Liverpool street, London defiantly broke with company protocol
yesterday when he smiled directly at a customer.
Catching management off-guard, Birkenhead was allowed to smile for several seconds before being told to quit.
“It just went on and on,” claimed
colleague and fellow teller, Chris James.
Receiving the smile point blank, 26-year-old businessman, Marvin-lee Kinsley, said it took him
a while to figure out the gesture was aimed at him. Kinsley said he subsequently tried to reciprocate the smile with a thank you spoken
through the gap between the
safety glass and the counter, but
gave up gave up after failing to
solicit a response.
“I got right up in there cheek
against marble. Said thank you
once, maybe twice, but left it.”
According to branch manager,
Freddy Mueller, an internal
investigation should reveal what
prompted the outburst from the
teller.
“It’s highly uncommon and,
frankly, regrettable,” he said.
“We’ll deal with it accordingly.”

Let’s hold hands.
Great-tasting take-away treats from Jones the Grocer.
Business School to Introduce Course on Meeting Endurance
Students to be schooled in art of talking
Citing a high number of
alumni failing in business,
a business school in
in Manhattan, New York said it
will introduce a course on how
to successfully sit through a
meeting. Launching next
semester, the course will
require students to sit around a
table for hours on end trying to
stay on topic.
“Today, if you can’t meet, you
can’t do business,” said the
school’s headmaster, Derek
Mansour.
According Mansour, the course
will not only focus on long
meetings, but also meetings that
follow one another.
“At the end of the day there is
no real difference between
sitting in one meeting all day, or
many meetings over the course
of a day,” he said.
Open to all and sundry,
Mansour said he is confident
the student body will embrace
the new curriculum with
vigour.
“I don’t foresee any problems
getting five to ten students
together in a poorly ventilated
room to talk from 9:00 to 12:00,
have lunch, and then talk some
more from 13:00 to 18:00,” he
said. “It’s what business is all
about.”
I’m by your side.
Hand-picked foodie hampers from Jones the Grocer.
Man Without Dog In Park Taken In For Questioning
Loner apprehended following citizen’s alarm
Aman caught walking in a park without a dog has been taken into custody, police confirmed yesterday. Apprehended in the upper east corner of Trafalgar Park, the man caught the attention of park regulars who acted quickly to calm the situation. “At first I assumed he was just passing through so I left it,” said Linda Bukowski owner of a stunning male Weimaraner. “But then he took a left and when he looked up at the trees, that was it. I called the police.” According to Bukowski, Trafalgar Park has operated for years under the unwritten rule that patrons should have at
least some form of company. “A baby, a bird, a cat… anything” she said. Lieutenant-colonel Nic Kuiper, who’s handling the case, said the drifter will be detained in accordance with the Loitering Act and could be charged with public indecency. “This guy broke so many laws it’s unbelievable,” he said. “I mean, what kind of sicko goes to a park and just wanders around?”
Investment.
It’s in our nature.
Wildlife investors with a passion for nature.
Woman Struggles with Shopping Basket
Long shake to freedom for elderly shopper
Awoman estimated to be in her late sixties struggled for several minutes to free a shopping basket from a bunch of other baskets, eyewitnesses confirmed yesterday. Seen shaking a stack of baskets before moving on to the next stack, the woman reportedly intensified her efforts as she went along. “Yes, she flung her handbag onto her back and gripped the top basket of the second stack with both hands,” said Darren Burns who watched the scene unfold a short distance away. “It looked like she got one out, but no, you could see there was another one still stuck to the top one.”
According to Burns, after the woman noticed she still had two baskets in her hands, she focused her efforts on separating them. “She sort of threw them forward without letting go,” he said. “She did it, I don’t know, maybe five times.”Burns went on to say the woman gave up at that point and opted to go for a trolley. “She didn’t look happy,” he said. “I don’t think she was there for a big shop.”
Cereal Company Apologises After Fruit Found in Flagship Brand
Vows to step up health and safety measures
Saying they will tighten up security, a cereal company has apologised to consumers after the top half of an apple was found in a box of their flagship brand yesterday. Speaking from a company factory, company CEO Marcus Behr said it was unclear how the fruit landed up in the cereal. “We don’t know where that apple came from,” he said.
According to Behr, more than 10 000 boxes of contaminated product have been recalled, but he urged consumers to be cautious when sitting down for breakfast. “I’m not saying don’t eat breakfast,” he said. “Just be vigilant.” Behr said although all the company’s factories have been swept for signs of fresh produce, other forms of contraband may still be present. “Truth be told, we caught a guy concealing a peanut here the other day,” he said adding that he was “fired on the spot”.
BSc all you can be.
Join our academy for a bright future in military science.
Man Sits Down at Cocktail Party
Goes down like a “ton of bricks”
Kyle Moseley, a 41-year-old IT specialist from Soho, sat down at a cocktail party late last night, sources confirmed. CCTV footage of the incident shows Moseley hovering at the edge of a group of guests before reaching out for a near by wall and collapsing into a crossed-leg sitting position. Young and vital, Moseley claimed he simply came to a breaking point. “It was involuntary,” he said. “I went down like a ton of bricks.” Moseley’s acquaintances said they lost track of him when he disappeared out of sight.
“We thought he’d left,” said
Kristy Tyler who met Moseley
while he was still upright.
The event’s organiser, Mark
Bleary, said he was
surprised at Moseley’s actions
since everything at the party
pointed to it being a standing
event.
“It really is sort of unacceptable.
The tables we chose were extra
high with no barstools added,”
he said. “Does that sound like a
place you’d make yourself
comfortable?”
BEng all you can be.
Join our academy for a bright future in military engineering.
Internet Not the Place For Correct Spelling, Regulators Warn
Plenty of space in print and elsewhere to be “pedantic”
Internet regulators have issued an official caution to members of the public against spelling correctly online. In a statement riddled with spelling errors, whoever is running the internet said far too much effort is going into the correct spelling of words - and that that goes for basic grammar principles too. “Is there really any difference saying ‘click here’ or ‘click there’?” asked internet spokesperson, Ben Copeley.
According to Olivia Main,
founder of 24-hour spelling and
grammar service Main Editing,
the difference is vast.
“Saying ‘click there’ essentially
implies whoever built the website
is speaking over your shoulder,
which is both unlikely and makes
no sense since the call to action
comes from the screen.”
Copeley refuted Main’s statement
saying a click will be forthcoming,
regardless of phrasing, as people
on the internet usually do as they
are told.
“I’d bet a fair chunk on users
clicking on anything if the button
is big enough,” he said. “If it
flashes, I’m all in.”
The lifeblood of an office is the ink that runs in its printers. Faded copy – invisible copy! – is a nightmare and can leave you red-faced in front of clients and colleagues. Keep your printer’s “tanks” full with ink, toners and ribbons from leading brands.
Where's Wally... and travel writer Mark Bovey?
Hello Go! Magazine
I’m writing with deep concern for the
immediate future of your intrepid travel

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
Scenario 1:
Your columnist could be employed by a beautician.
The beauty treatment community won’t hesitate to claim someone as one of their own if he or she displays the necessary commitment and poise to make it in the industry. Modern and appreciative of personal hygiene (I refer his or her head shot), I don’t expect your columnist to be able to resist the call of a million cuticles and he will no doubt, at the drop of a hat, commit himself irrationally to the pursuit of the perfect manicure. Manicures require all hands on deck, so to speak, which means – if the former writer finds himself employed by a salon of a reputable standing – that he will be unable to attend to your brief in a constructive manner. Business hours in nail salons are generally from 07:00 to 18:00; I’m available all hours.
Scenario 2:
Your columnist could be recruited
by a non-profit organisation
Non-profit organisations such as
Greenpeace are notoriously
deficient in the spelling and
grammar department. With his or
her command of the English
language, your columnist could be
of immense value to these
troublemakers with regards to the
coming up of slogans, manifestos
and insults; and proofreading of
posters, flyers and T-shirts.
Monetary gain in the non-profit
industry is, admittedly, next to
nothing and here you have the
advantage. However, don’t
discount the power of your
writer’s star sign (I assume he or
she is an Aquarius with a fiery
desire to change the world). The
cosmic pull of destiny is powerful
enough to lure any man or woman
away from his or her keyboard.
I’ve tried my hand at fulfilling my
destiny, and have failed dismally.
My email is info@freehance.co.za
Scenario 3:
Your columnist could simply stop
being your columnist
Delirium and early-onset
dementia are not rare among
writers. A theory is doing the
rounds that the onset is in fact
there from the get-go and that
writers emerge from the womb
with the very real delusion that
simply coming up with stuff will
sustain them for the rest of their
lives. When it dawns on them, so
the theory goes, that the gravy
does not run forever, some – if not
all – writers will suddenly go by
the name ‘Clive’ or 'Laura' and
take up residence in a caravan on
the outskirts of nowhere. I’m not
saying this will happen to your
columnist – he or she might
choose a tent. All I’m saying is: it’s
good to have the details of a
columnist not called Clive or
Laura on your books just to make
sure you’re covered.
Kind regards,
Hans
It’s the little things that count. Like little to medium-size flash drives, mouse pads and hard drives. Without accessories your laptop or desktop will not perform to its fullest potential. Get the bells and whistles that make it sing.
35-Year-Old Leaves Home Without Checking Weather
Walks into the unknown following honest mistake
A35-year-old accountant,
Belinda Pratley, from
Fourways in Johannesburg
has left home without checking
the weather.
Reportedly in a hurry, the young
professional walked out into
broad daylight not knowing
what to expect next.
“It all happened so fast,” she
said. “I was lying in bed, saw the
time on my phone, next thing I
knew I was out the door.”
According to Pratley, an app she
doesn’t remember installing tells
her what the weather is going to
be like, provided she unlock her
device.
“It’s annoying,” she said. “You’d
expect the weather to be front
and centre.”
Pratley said she wasn’t
considering getting a different
phone just now, but hoped to
have better access to the weather
by the time she qualified for an
upgrade.
“You know, the contract costs me
- I don’t want to say exactly how
much - but quite a bit,” she said.
“For that kind of money, I’d like
to see the weather on the
Company Devotes Monday Morning Planning Session to Find Way to Shorten Monday Morning Planning Sessions
Marathon session sees all options put on the table
Calling it a “useful exercise”,
office manager Justin Kelly
of Honey Well advertising
used his Monday morning
planning session to find a way to
reduce the ength of future ones.
Entirely devoted to the cause, the
session ran well over the allotted
time.
Kelly, however, claimed the
exercise was a huge success with
a number of ground breaking
ideas tabled.
“Look, it’s going to take a while to
fine tune the thing,” he said. “But
I think we’re on the right track.”
Junior graphic designer, Dillon
Wolpert, echoed Kelly’s
sentiments calling the session
“necessary” and a “sign of
progress”.
“I’m willing to give it a shot,” he
said. “Time costs money, don’t
it?”
Award-winning creative director,
Simon Bull, criticized the session
however saying a Monday
morning was hardly the time for
out-the-box-thinking.
“Shortening a Monday morning
planning session is something to
be discussed during a Friday
afternoon round-up,” he said.
“On Friday afternoons we’re
fresh. It’s all systems go.”
The busk stops here.
Experience and support the best buskers in Cape Town.
New Gillette Fragile™ For Oversensitive Men
In 2019, a new Gillette ad asking men to behave better sparked widespread outrage. From men. This was my column on it.
I get the uproar. For us men, shaving in
the morning is one of the last vestiges
of our absolute maleness. In front of a

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
But the world is bigger than a bathroom and sexual harassment is wrong. It’s frankly unbelievable that so many men, some of them educated, have come out so vehemently against what is really a valiant effort from a brand to change the status quo. Unbelievable, but not unexpected.
The male ego is covered with a very thin layer of very sensitive skin. Gillette of all brands should have realised that. Men do not like to be challenged or questioned either emotionally or behaviourally. How to be wrong with grace - to accept defeat - is simply not in the training manual for most of us.
Recently, I sat and listened as a man explained to me and various others that if it flies, floats or fornicates: rent don’t buy. I was shocked. Even more so when I saw our jester’s wife wasn’t.
He was a clean-shaven jester;
probably a Gillette fan; probably
one of the scores of others
boycotting the brand henceforth.
He will, I guarantee, tell his joke at a
future opportunity because he is, of
course, the epitome of the problem.
Will an ad campaign change him?
No. Can an ad campaign change
popular opinion? Maybe. Does the
advertising world have any
business speaking out on
socio-political issues? Absolutely.
As a money-flush information
channel with a ruthless focus on
repetition, they should go out of
their way to not change, but sway
opinion. It’s a gentle curve, in my
opinion. Drill the same message
into a guy’s skull for long enough
and he’ll come around eventually.
You don’t change a caveman in a
day.
But Gillette got it wrong both in the
tone of their advert and its radical
departure from their previous
work. Changing their tagline from
the possessive to the aspirational is,
for lack of a better term, a mind
fuck for men - some of whom bore
witness to the Great War.
For them and countless others the
territorial dispute that is the Me Too
movement has gone too far this
time. Hold it right there, my
brethren appear to be saying. Stop
your advance. If you want to pick a
fight, let’s do it out on the streets or
in the workplace, but not in the
bathroom. And be gentle about it –
we’re a sensitive bunch.
Sunday Times, 20 January 2019
Busking in the sun.
Experience and support the best buskers in Cape Town.
Wi-Fi Password Shakes Up Neighbourhood
New young residents’ play on words causes outcry
Popping up on the
neighbourhood’s network
settings overnight, a newopping up on the neighbourhood’s
network settings
overnight, a new wi-fi password
has shaken the very foundations
of a community in the suburb of
Ferni Glen on the city’s eastern
border.
Listed as a secure connection,
BigData69 has left residents
dumbfounded in an area known
for its family values.
“I’m stunned,” said long-time
resident, Ben Dunkley who
added a public network was not
the place for fun and games.
“I’m fully aware what 69 stands
for, and let me tell you right
now, there are a lot of kids out
there who know too.”
Not everyone in Ferni Glen
shared in the hysteria, however.
Despite the widespread outcry,
many younger community
members gave the owners of
BigData69 the benefit of the
doubt.
“Personally, I don’t have a
problem with BigData69,” said
Kyle Montgomery who lives just
up the street from Dunkley. “It’s
entirely possible they actually
have a lot of data.”
Fellow resident, Arthur Kirsten,
agreed the password could be the
result of a large amount of stored
data, but added there definitely
seemed to be subtle innuendo at
play.
“I wouldn’t say it’s overtly
sexual,” he said. “But you’d have
to be braindead not to realise
‘data’ is but a very handy
placeholder for ‘dick’.”
BMW Driver Pulls Away Really Fast
Leaving several motorists
dumbfounded, the driver of a
black BMW accelerated really fast
yesterday afternoon the moment a
traffic light turned green.
One of the motorists, Susan Foley,
who drives a 1995 Volkswagen
Passat described the BMW
reaching the opposite side of the
junction well before the other cars.
“He definitely won whatever race
was on,” she said.
Another motorist, Clive Barns,
disputed Foley’s claim saying he
didn’t think there was a race on at
all.
“I didn’t think we were racing,
no,” he said.
Carla Muller, the driver of a Volvo
XC90, agreed with Foley that
there may have been a race on,
but didn’t close the door on the
possibility that the BMW driver
was just being a dick.
“If it was a race, it was poorly
organised,” she said. “My gut tells
me the jerk was just showing off.”
Pile of Stuff in House Growing by the Day
A pile of random stuff including
keys, change, light bulbs, clothes
pegs, flyers and paper clips
located in the kitchen of a house
has seen remarkable growth
over the last week, eyewitnesses
confirmed yesterday.
Reportedly growing by the day,
the pile is said to have covered
the corner of a counter on
Monday but has since spread to
an area the size of a small table
cloth.
“I’d say it’s growing
exponentially,” said Barbara
Malone who’s lived in the house
for several years. “At the rate it’s
going we might lose the counter
altogether.”
With no clear plan on how stop
the pile’s magnificent growth,
Malone said the logical thing to
do was to start piles elsewhere.
“The amount of shit on that
counter is only going to get
more,” she said. “Spreading the
load is the only way.”
Claremint
We’ll get the most for your house.
The Neurotic's Guide to Quitting Social Media
It happened long ago. I was still young.
At the time, I had a scooter-like
motorbike I used to cross the Karoo,

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
The playing field had changed and, looking back, I should have realised the new parameters called for a brand-new round of desensitising. But it was Twitter and my profile was looking really good, so I threw my hat in the ring with a tweet reading "If I take a friend to the voting station, can I double-cross someone?" hoping clever wordplay might get me off to a running start. It didn't.
My therapist and I have since decided I should stick to Facebook and only post when I'm with him in his consultation room. The arrangement worked OK, but I stopped posting altogether when my therapy stopped, even though he encouraged me to "go out there and engage the platform".
Amazingly, the rest of my life is going great. I have no problem picking up the phone to ask a friend for coffee, or telling my partner how much she means to me, right to her face. I haven't started a sentence with the words "That moment when" or ended it with a hashtag for well over six months now.
My mind is still; most of the venom
that boils up now and then is
directed at cyclists who know to
simply follow me home should they
think I've stepped over the line (or
trolled them in person, if that's even
a thing).
I guess you could say this is how
the other half lives. Or rather, social
media's one percent.
We're a sedate bunch, the fraction of
the world's population not actively
using social media, but infinitely
more alert, I think. I would venture
to say, among our ranks, few have
walked into open manholes. We're
not the ones hogging the phone
charger or squeezing a whale into
the 4.7 inch screen of a Samsung
Galaxy A8.
I haven't started a sentence with the
words 'That moment when' or
ended it with a hashtag for well
over six months now
In fact, next time you're out whale
watching, take a break from your
phone and scan the crowd. Look
hard enough and you'll see an
individual, arms at his or her sides,
watching the mammal in full
colour. That's one of us.
But we, and I, still have social
media accounts. We threaten to take
Facebook off our phones, and
sometimes do, but say nothing of
keeping it on our desktops.
We have learnt not to look directly
at the follower count, but still have
eyes only for notification alerts.
We're off the hard stuff, you could
say, but still need to "check in"
every now and then in case we
missed something.
It's a tough position to be in and I'm
not proud. Trust me, I want to
delete my Facebook account, I
really do. I've Googled how to do it.
I know where to go; what to click
on. But I just can't. For all the
misery it's brought me, I simply
can't muster the strength to kill my
Facebook profile where the cover
photo's been the same for a decade.
My therapist posts on Facebook.
He's touring the Tankwa Karoo
National Park at the moment,
taking stunning photographs of
rocks. By the look of it, he'll be back
by month's end and I'll probably go
see him to discuss deleting my
Facebook account.
It's not come up in his posts yet
(he's really into his rocks) but I'm
sure he's thinking of my Twitter
story about riding through the
Karoo listening to music. How
could he not? He's right there.
Sunday Times, 26 August 2018
Coinstantia
We’ll get the most for your house.
Employee “Not Happy” With Company Email Signature
Using personal email more and more
Along-time employee of a
reputable accounting firm, who spoke under long-time employee of a
reputable accounting firm, who
spoke under condition of
anonymity, has delivered a
stinging critique on the
appearance of the company’s
email signature.
Reportedly using her personal
email more and more, the
employee claimed the signature
to be “too big” and “out of
focus”. “I’m not trying to be
difficult,” she sai.
Approached for comment, the
firm’s director Paul Manafort
happy with the company’s signature as is. Manafort added he
had no problem reaching a compromise letting his employee
carry on using her private email, provided she credited the
company at the bottom of each
message.
“Just a small note to say it’s also from us,” he said. “Would go a long way, I think.”
Now Installing: The Male Ego 2.0
A photo on record shows me half a
metre high in a Knightrider T-shirt, my
hair blow-dried to resemble a perm as

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
The headquarters of the world’s nerds is home to unassuming, timid and frail men. Men in possession of what I’d like to call the male ego 2.0, and propose as the ego to take our sex forward.
The exception here is Elon Musk, and let me deal with him swiftly and severely. No one likes someone who names themselves after a smell and compensates with rockets. Elon with his electric cars – a faux petrol head – and square jaw is not the man I’m looking to.
Rather, that man is a guy in the soft mould of Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey. Dorsey is sticking it to the traditional man with questionable fashion and spearheading a lifestyle practically devoid of food. Recalling the times I was forced to eat an entire rack of ribs because “that’s how men eat”, fasting, or maybe just cutting down, seems like the way to go. Following Dorsey’s example, ordering a salad - or, indeed, ordering nothing at all - might be the new true measure of manhood. In a male dominated world that values resilience, Dorsey’s fragile frame suggests everything but. He wears hats (or beanies) indoors and graces TV studios dressed like an emo. You half expect him to end an interview abruptly and lock himself in his room for the rest of the day, which is hardly the thing a man’s man
would do, and definitely something to aspire to. The other male ego 2.0 I’d like to put forward is easy to miss. Mark Zuckerberg is a man under siege looking steadfastly ahead while making his way through throngs of journalists. His company is on the verge of collapse and he’s widely blamed for the current failings of democracy. On the surface there seems not much can be taken from him, but look deeper. The Zuck is an (overly) sensitive fellow and that’s something to be celebrated. Google ‘Zuckerberg News’ and you’re presented with an ashen-faced man, his eyes downcast - lips pressed tightly together - with an expression that seems to admit guilt before guilt has even been assigned. It’s a great look for the modern male; something worth practicing in the mirror. Current ego 1.0-in-chief, Donald Trump, has recently invited Dorsey for a sit-down to discuss “the health of the public conversation” (though we can assume what took up most of the time was the health of @realDonaldTrump). A picture shows Dorsey - a gold piercing through his nose, his hair in his eyes – sitting opposite Trump, the presidential desk between them. Trump has his little hand in the air doing his level best to assert authority. At first glance, the arrangement looks like a pupil getting it for, perhaps, working remotely at places that’re not his desk (the hair and the piercing not helping his cause, at all). Oh, but that is not the case. At a low enough blood sugar level, Dorsey could very well kick @realDonaldTrump off his platform - and therein lies the real triumph. The nerds have taken over the world and they’re taking all us pansies with them to a bright new future where real men order salad, or nothing at all, and cry if they want to.
Sunday Times, 16 June 2019
The department of home affairs is not the place to go if you
want to go places. Unfortunately, it’s the only place to go if
you want a Schengen visa so here I am moving at 2m/h in a
queue that stretches halfway to the moon.
The mood in the line is glum, which must come as a
surprise to our beaming president smiling down upon us
from his portrait hanging skew on the wall. Life’s always
rosy up there, it seems.
I shift my weight from side-to-side and try various
breathing exercises to ease the searing pain in my back. I
steer my thoughts to the tranquil waters outside the Taj
Mahal and the Delhi backpackers I booked for the first five
nights. I think of Mumbai, Kolkata, Bangalore.
Our line moves forward igniting a wave of hope. It’s
small-scale hope, though. Nothing like the hope I felt when
a bag of blood saved my life. If I could, I would take the
donor with me to India to see what they’ve given me: a
chance to see where I’ve come from.
And a lifetime to figure out where I’m going.
Kid Happy to Lose Parents in Shopping Mall
Pre-teen sets off on epic journey of self-discovery
Mark Shapsack, a 9-year-old from Cresta in Johannesburg, said losing his parents in a shopping mall was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Found shopping for socks, Shapsack claimed life at home with his folks was a "living
nightmare" and that it was simply "time to get out".
"I just got tired of the grind," he said. "Every morning I wake up and there's these two strangers in the house telling me to get off the iPad, get dressed and go to school. It's bullshit."
Shapsak said he considered digging a tunnel to the playground from his room or stealing the family car, but settled on a mall run after he managed to shake his parents at a flea market once.
"The mall was a no brainer, really. It's huge. I'm surprised not more kids took the opportunity to make a break for it." According to the youngster, the future looked bright as he entered a time of "reflection" and "personal growth".

Shapsak aimed to finish his shopping for the day before heading to a friend's house to lay low for a while.
Tourist Spends Day
Re-Folding Brochure
Should have read up on the internet in hindsight
Saying he regretted opening the thing in the first place, German tourist Hans Utge, spent a day trying to get a travel brochure back to its original form.
According to Utge, the ordeal started when he folded the cover of the document to the left after which he
proceeded to unfold the brochure to its full size.
Witnesses described the tourist reading the brochure in full before attempting to re-fold it by folding it back on itself. According to reports, this only made matters worse.
"He got his arms twisted in a very funny way," said Betsy Clemens who watched the drama from a shop
window. Around mid-morning, Utge experienced a brief moment of hope when he managed to manoeuvre the
cover of the booklet to the front and the back page to the back. It appeared to have done the trick, but the brochure bulged in the middle which suggested there was still a problem on the inside.
Asked to comment, brochure expert Steve Rhemy said he expected better from a seasoned tourist such as Utge, but that folding a brochure was not any man's game.
"As soon as there are more than two pages you have to really pause and think about what you're doing," he said. "I like to think of it as a Rubik’s Cube"

Does ‘Thank You for Reaching Out’ have a place in email
“Thank you for reaching out” is a line in
an email I received the other day. I couldn’t tell whether it was meant

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
I appreciate the gesture and am happy to reciprocate. Emails from clients and colleagues by far outnumber those from friends and family.
Of course we should be nice to each other. Civility is the cornerstone of a healthy working relationship. But “thank you for reaching out”? It feels like a boundary has been crossed here. There is an implied desperation on my part I’m not entirely comfortable with. I’m not in peril; my emails are (usually) not a cry for help. No reaching is being done.
That said, I enjoyed reading the line and it stayed with me for the rest of the day. I felt a connection that can only be established with words like “Thank you for reaching out”. I expected, for a brief moment, for my new email friend to ask me to
go for a coffee to discuss a burning
issue they might need help with.
Things that cannot be fully
expressed via email. But I haven’t
heard from them since so maybe
they found help elsewhere. Or
asking for help was never the
intention. If they were really in
trouble, I would have received an
email by now.
That leaves flippancy as the
motivation, which makes me sad
in a way. For a seemingly sincere
line such as “Thank you for
reaching out” to be stripped of its
power — made redundant — and
take its place next to “Hope you’re
well” is a loss to us all.
But a shout-out is called for to
those who still try to work with
what they’ve got. Every now and
then a “Hope you’re well?” pops
into my inbox and my heart lifts by
as much as one question mark can
lift a heart, and I’m very tempted
to respond: “I am. Hope you are
too?”
Or I see an email signed off not
with “Kind regards” but “Kindest
regards”, and I wonder is there
even a better kind of kind than
that? Or someone sends their
“Warmest regards” at the end of
an email with contents as cold as
ice and I think to myself, kudos for
trying.
I typed “Thank you for reaching
out” in an email once (this very
morning, in fact) but deleted it and
replaced it with “Thank you for
getting in touch”. I’m not ready to
use the line in a flippant manner,
nor deal with the consequences
should the recipient of my email
think it sincere.
As elsewhere in life, there are
boundaries to honour when we
email each other. Boundaries that
will facilitate effective
communication and allow
relationships to prosper. At least, I
think so.
Warmest regards,
Hans
Mail and Guardian, 21 May 2019
Big-Game Hunting Shifts Focus To Little Game
Hunting fraternity re-thinks what it means to go big
The Professional Hunter’s Association of South Africa (PHASA) has decided to lower its scope to focus on little game. The decision
comes in the wake of a public outcry resulting from the killing of a collared lion named Cecil that stood about hip-high. The association will also not be killing any animals wearing collars
for "the foreseeable future"
"We've decided to give animals on any sort of radar a break," said association president, Theo Bronkhorst. According to Bronkhorst his association will target animals like rodents and birds as part of its ongoing commitment to conservation. "You kill an eagle, you save a rabbit," he said. "It's simple math." PHASA will communicate their decision with the help of an
infographic showing the size of animals considered "fair game for now" and where to look for collars and other tracking devices. Bronkhorst said the association regretted the killing of "a lion with a name" at the hands of a dentist and reiterated that PHASA members are but "reasonably skilled". "Our guys are middle-management at best," he said. "Hunting is not a thinking man's game."
The ABC of a Tough Year
It’s been a tough year. Maybe the toughest
one yet. Tough at the beginning, the middle
and the end - the year has left but to look

Hans
Mackenzie
Main
My guess is “away”, and my opinion that when the going gets tough, it’s us who are left. We the timid, the sensitive, the exposed. B is of course also for Brexit and bullies and Brump (Trump spelled with a B because ABC and T makes no sense).
B is unfortunately also for blame. Blame fixed by us — the timid — on the economy, the load-shedding and the traffic — the bumps in the road — for a B-rate, bad-news year. Whatever happened to brive and boptimism? What about the bright side?
The breaks (tax and otherwise),
the binging (series and
otherwise)?
Yes, 2018 was tough, but when
last did we not have a tough
year?
Last year was tough, the year
before that was tough — but
none of those compare with 1932:
a downright depressing year that
apparently set the tone for 1933
through to the present day.
We’ve always lived in tough
times, it appears, nothing has
been a-changin’ (with all due
respect to Bob Dylan).
From the get-go it’s been an uphill
battle for humanity just to get
through the day, the week (the
year!); make it over the last hump
before Christmas; give it that one
final push.
Which brings me to C, which is
come on, for the love of God, let’s
look back on a so-so year. Let’s
say 2018 had its ups and its
downs, but overall things are not
that much different now than
they were 365 days ago.
We’re all still (mostly) in one piece
basking in the African sun. Seen
from outer space on nights
without load-shedding, South
Africa shines bright. I’m okay,
you’re okay, we’re all okay.
On a long enough timeline,
“future events are likely to turn
out so that they balance any past
deviation from a presumed
average”. It’s called the law of
averages and I’d like to presume
it’s true.
And if you had a horrible year in
2018, take heart for wheels, tables
and tide — they all will turn.
“The slow one now,” Bob sings.
“Will later be fast.”
Mail and Guardian, 14 December 2018
Workforce Slows Down After Brutal Festive Period
Period after Christmas a time for rest and recuperation
Holiday makers across South Africa returned to work today with the express aim of slowing down for the Easter holiday coming up in April.
Describing severe levels of fatigue and burn-out, employees expressed relief to be back at the grindstone following a gruelling 2017 festive season that simply didn't seem to stop.
"Look, it's been bumper to bumper for the past two weeks, said Sandton IT specialist, Garth Myburgh. "I just want to go to work for the next couple of months, kick back and take a break for a while."
Karen Mackenzie, a magazine editor from Durban, echoed Myburgh's statement saying the period between Christmas and Easter could not have come soon enough. "Every year I say to myself 'I need a holiday from my holiday' and this is it," she said. But not everyone was happy with the amount of time available to clock in for some much needed rest. "I don't know if 3 months will be long enough to fully recharge," said Peter Masike, a quantity surveyor from Springs. "It's frankly sad how little work days we get per year."
Contact
+27 (0)60 663 8224
info@freehance.co.za
My Quote System
Three simple steps
Send me an email with 'Quote Request' as the subject. I'll know what you mean. In 5 sentences or less, tell me what you require. For example, "Hi there, we require three headlines for a major car retailer. Kindly send us a quote." Upon reading your mail, I'll get my quote chimp to draw up a quote and send it on to you. If it's a go, the chimp goes back in its cage and I will get busy writing at which point you should give yourself a pat on the back. You've succesfully completed my Quote System.
What My Clients Say
Kind Words
"Incredibly quick."
Carmen Lerm, Fusion Design"Top-notch copy."
Karen Jeynes, ZANEWS"Dynamite articles every time."
Shaun De Waal, Mail & Guardian"Brilliant... a one-stop shop for words."
Elna Smit, ColuminateProofreeding





If you noticed I spelled the word
‘proofreading’ wrong in the
heading above, congratulations,
you grasp the basic concept. If you
didn’t, try to pay close attention
to the following.
The traditional, and best,
technique to pick up spelling
errors is to read copy back to
front so as not t o get hooked on
its meaning. For this, repeat the
mantra, ‘just the word, just the
word’.
Side note: Repeating the mantra,
‘ohmmm, ohmmm, ohmmm’ does
not work as there is some
discrepancy as to how ‘ohmmm’ is
spelled. Google advises to spell
the word with ‘as many Ms as is
necessary’ which is also an
accurate guideline on how long
one should meditate, but does
little to solve the problem.
Experienced proofreaders contend
that the only real vacation a
proofreader can take is to travel
to places where the wrien word
is illegible to an English speaker
such as South Korea or a doctor’s
surgery.
On to apostrophes. Nothing takes
a consumer’s mind off the health
benefits of fruit juice quick er
than, ‘It’s good for you’ spelled
‘Its good for you’. That’s not good
for you, it’s atrocious.
Worldwide, words are spelled the
same except in America where
words are spelled differently
because in America they do as
they please. Try to remember
where you are in the world and
spell accordingly.
That’s it for today. I left one
spelling error in the piece. If you
can find it, well done, you’re on
your way to becoming a
competent proofreader. If you
can’t, switch on Word’s spelling
and grammar function and find it
that way.
Newsletters




The newsletter always had the odds stacked against it. If it's not hard news and it's not a letter what exactly is it? I don't k now. But here's five tips to make yours a must-read.
Start smart
If readers make it past the word 'newsletter' in your headline you're in with a chance. The first sentence now becomes super important - like the ridiculously good-looking yet caring receptionist in a dental surgery. Make it count. Exclamation marks, used sparingly, work well so slot a couple in early: Here it is! Your jam-packed, bumper issue quarterly newsletter. Note the words 'jam-packed' and 'bumper issue'. Intro gold.
Be topical, but stay relevant
April Fool's Day is a g ood topic for a newsletter. Rising tension in the Soviet Union is not. So sa y it's winter and you sell perishable fruit like the Perishables Products Export Control Board (PPECB). Go with a seasonal approach and add health tips: It's PPECBrrrrrr cold, isn't it? Here's a tipp to keep the flu away: Eat fruit before we export them!
Do interviews, but do the m well
Everyone will be wondering about Jim in IT. No one will be wondering how long he's been with the company. Find the six degrees that separate Jim from the CEO and ask him if he'd like to be CEO one day. Get the CEO's take on it, maybe get them to swap jobs for a day. Already you're way beyond 'Jim's hobbies' and onto a very powerful team building article.
Proofread
Quelling fears of rampant dyslexia ravaging the company from the top down is as e asy as printing out a hard copy and reading it back to front. This way you can see every word seperately and notice it's spelled 'seperately' and not 'separately'.
Get a professional
I'm not saying this because I
charge money to write
newsletters (maybe I am a little).
I'm saying it because two
sentences saying the same thing
(next to each other!) are just
plain wrong.
Yes, it costs a bit of mone y to get
a professional, but why sound
like a six-year-old in the special
class when you should sound like
a leader in your industry? Your
newsletter is a hard-working PR
tool. Give it the TLC it deserves.
Brochures





Don't let the fancy French name
fool you, brochures are
down-to-earth vehicles for
informave promotion. Having
said that, a little flair c an go a
long way.
Here's five tips to make yours a
must-read
Sell the sizzle not the steak
Often a brochure starts with a statement: Shelley Beach Lodge is a stunning holiday destination on Kwa-Zulu Natal's North Coast.
That sounds great.
This sounds better: Let the beach sand push through your toes while you have trouble deciding whether the cocktail tastes like coconut with a hint of vanilla or vanilla with a hint of coconut.
Avoid abbreviations
Like the plague. Same g oes for words and phrases that can't be found in the O xford English Dictionary. Yes, it's tempting to describe the GTL capability of your Flexo MS printer because you know for a fact GTL technology is the way of the future. Just keep in mind the man on the street does not.
3. Don't make lists
Any sentence with more than three commas is a no-no. Listing services loses its po wer when you don't have the luxury of counting them on your fingers. Rather break them up and give each one its fifteen minutes of fame with a little writ e-up of what makes it special: Mail Lodgement: A computerised service resulting in timely delivery at the minimum cost.
4. Shoot for an idea
Ideas are the currency of advertising. Brochures are advertising. Bring the two together. Say you're Bidvest Data and you happen to like data, go with a Facebook theme. Now add like-minded (pun intended) copy: We like data. We like to analyse data. We like to process it, enrich it an d store it.
5. Use pictures
This may come as a surprise from a copywriter but, with a little humility, I'm willing to admit that a picture does indeed tell a story of a thousand words.
Plus it's a big help since ther e's only space for 500 or so w ords in a brochure. Combine high-quality visuals with brilliant writing and, voilà, you're left with a beautifully functional brochure with flair to boot.
Copy in the Morning



11:15am
I get an SMS during the last scene of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. Katniss comes across Peeta convulsing on a bed he's strapped to after he attacked her. Oh yes, spoiler alert. The SMS reads "Hi Hansie, I need copy by 13:00 can you help?!" I don’t respond immediately out of respect for my fellow moviegoers still basking in the afterglow of that last scene. There were four of us. People don't watch movies in the morning anymore.
11:20am
My sister and I leave the cinema discussing the movie. She reckons it's better than the book (she’s read all three). I comment on the amazing special effects and how well they managed to keep things interesting although half the movie takes place underground. I start texting while walking careful not to bump into things or lose track of what my sister is saying. My reply reads, "Sure, no problem. I'm online in half an hour. Send the info."
11:30am
My sister and I are heading home on the R44. I get another SMS calmly asking if I can send something by 12:30 instead. I tentatively reply "Yes." Conversation in the car turns to cars. My sister says it’d be cool if the next VW beetle had the old vintage shape with all the add-ons of the modern era. We reminisce about an old family beetle that used to break down every week. I remark how that's part of the lifestyle if you own an old beetle. We both chuckle because it’s true. I tell her she can go a little faster there are no cops around this time of year.
11:45am
We arrive home. I tell my sister I have some work to do thanks for a great morning and she's off. I open my inbox. Apparently SARS owes me money. I ignore that mail and shift focus to a mail from client outlining the job: Gordon’s Dry Gin needs a press release to announce their new "Next Legend". I get to work.
12:15am
As it turns out using the word "distinguished" more than once in a press release takes away some of its power. I resign to that fact and bang out a 370-word release also featuring words like "trailblazing pioneer” and “true legend". I give it a once-over for grammar errors and print it out for fine-comb treatment. Checked I send it off in 12pt Calibri font and make coffee. The email from SARS turns out to be a hoax. No surprise there.
12:45am
An email from client comes in. They love the press release except the part about Winston Churchill, Marilyn Monroe and Ernest Hemingway being world figures who enjoyed great success and Gordon's Gin. I don’t argue since I can't, in all honesty, speak to the drinking habits of either of them so I take it out and send the revisions on. According to IMDb, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 is being released on November 15. I SMS my sis to save the date.
Two Boardrooms



Boardroom #1: Colour
Walking in I was struck by the table and chairs. In quick succession.
The table got me just below the hip pushing me off course into the uppermost chair on the side of the table facing the window. The wall on the opposite side was painted green.
My client sat with his back to the green wall creating a green screen effect which made it hard for me to focus on what was said. I imagined all sorts of things on that wall.
Braveheart came in from the left riding a magnificent horse to meet up with Jon Snow from Game of Thrones of all people. Together they rode to the North to fight the wildlings. David Attenborough's voice – sounding eerily similar to my client's – talked us through a caterpillar traversing a money tree. A synoptic chart came up. A beast of a cold front was pushing in from the west making landfall just above my client’s head.
My client. The brief.
We were discussing paint. Specifically, names for a new paint shop in the north, our north: Mpumalanga.
The Colour Lab and Top Coat were on the table.
I suggested Hue and Me and The Green Room.
Boardroom #2: Caffeine
A small space, but big enough to swing a young lion if you're careful not to hit the big screen to the right and the huge pencil sketch of New York to the left. Sliding doors made for a good escape route should it come to that.
I was there to discuss web copy for the coffee shop across the street. A PA – as is custom – asked what I would like to the drink. I ordered Rooibos.
The Rooibos arrived in a branded paper cup, which was weird. The owner of the coffee shop walked in. I noticed the logo on his shirt matched the one on my paper cup of tea.
It was awkward.
We watched some cartoons on YouTube for inspiration. I remarked how the coffee shop was a light-hearted space with a sense of humour. The owner agreed, but added that the coffee was serious. Very serious. I moved my Rooibos to the farthest end of the table and assured him I took coffee very seriously.
I told him I'm going to send him two coffee copy samples: a dark-roasted think piece and a lighter cafe blend for everyday use.
Library



I joined the library. I passed
through the turnstiles, inhaled
the distinct odour of aging book s
and presented my proof of
address. A form was filled in and
a card gained.
I now have access to a
medium-sized catalogue and four
full rows of DVDs and CDs. I can
check my email and read the
latest magazines. There is even a
couch.
Perhaps the best thing about
joining the library is the de adline
for finishing a book. It’s still two
weeks and I’m not sure what
punishment will be me ted out
should I fail to return it on time.
Unlike in other sphe res of life, at
the library it’s okay to miss the
deadline — to take the book
back, walk up to the counter and
say out loud: “Repeat.”
But I don’t have the courage for
that. To proclaim my reading
speed falling short of the
standard, and doing so in a r oom
filled with pros. (“Three whole
weeks he spent on a novella. Can
you imagine?”)
I haven’t yet found the reference
cabinet in my new library, and so
strike out on my own. The
snaking flow of the alphabe t is
clearly indicated on signs: A with
an arrow going this way, B with
its arrow coming back and so on.
I enjoy having to re-acquaint
myself with the order of things
sometimes having to stretch
myself three leers deep (J… JA
…JD … JO … JOH … JO V … ah! . ..
JOY … JOYCE).
It surprises me that it’s taken me
this long to (re)join the library.
Was it pride that kept me away
from the turnstiles (the poor
man’s bookshop)? Distrust that
they might not have what I’m
looking for?
A definite contributing factor is
the row of books on my
bookshelf that’s stopped growing
for now. As with feeling the
pages of a book slide ag ainst
your fingers, something is to be
said for looking at a bookshelf
packed to the brim.
I’ve heard it said that books on
display, like an aquarium in a
waiting room, tends to put
people in therapy at ease. Rich
people dedicate entire rooms in
their mansions to books, going
so far as to call it their library.
Circumstance unfortunately
require that I live on take-outs at
the moment and, truth be t old,
it’s not all that bad. I’m still left
with the experience of having
read a book and the joy of
carrying it around the house for
a fortnight.
I’m a book surrogate, reading
and abandoning books at the
speed others go through a
cupboard of clothes. Some books
bore me and I take them back
prematurely.
There are no hard feelings — it
simply wasn’t a good fit. We part
ways amicably, avoiding the
discomfort of having to see each
other in passing in the hall or
bump into each other in the
garage.
The split is complete (and no
money is lost conducting
“business” with a se condhand
bookshop either).
To the books I love, it’s harder to
say goodbye. They never really
fitted in, covered in plastic thick
as tarp; their spines covered in
stickers and ink, but they were a
part of the clan when they were
The Bull Pen



On a Friday a pigeon flew in the
window of the open-plan office
where I worked on contract
without making prior
arrangements. Linda who works
in the kitchen threw her arms
up as if praising the bird, while
Josh and Carol from accounts
herded the animal with
mousepads and keyboards and
no respect for boundaries
stepping into its personal space
which set it off on an ody ssey
to the back of the office.
The fun was over and everyone
returned to their desks with
the staff increased by one – a
ray of light considering the
company’s no-pet policy and
the plethora studies outlining
the benefits of animals to
reduce stress and create a
positive workspace.
A man in a light-blue uniform
walked in and set the alarm off
that, thankfully, wasn’t as loud
as the car alarms that drifted in
from the street probably
because we were indoors and
had work to do.
“It will only take a minute!” he
yelled above the noise, but I
put my headphones on anyway
to listen to the sound beach
waves crashing on an app tha t
also has ‘blowing wind’ and
‘rain on car roof’. It created the
impression of siting on ab each
not far away from an office
where they were running
routine tests on the alarm
system.
I regretted not spending extra
cash on noise-cancelling
headphones that promised
choice with the proposition
“What you hear is up to you”
which is a lot mor e
empowering than the phrase
“You only hear what you want
to hear” often heard by people
not very good at not listening.
A Skype call came through
which required my immediate
attention. I ducked under my
desk for privacy and to
commune with my colleagues’
feet.
With the rest of the office
conveniently featured as the
background to foster that
all-important “business feel”, I
nodded my head profusely to
indicate I understood what was
being said while the end of
days played out around me.
Behind the laptop I noticed
Tracy was wearing the same
shoes she had on the day
before which tells you
something about the money we
earn. Ronald’s foot was
bouncing which indicated
nervousness.
I watched everyone walk by
that took me back to childhood
hiding from life under counters
and blankets, the main
difference being watching the
adults as an adult that angle
probably amounted to sexual
assault.
The alarm died do wn. I poked
my head out. The whole office
had stopped not working and
moved to the window like a
herd of sheep. The pigeon flew
in from the back.
Across the street was an
ancient 80s high-riser standing
in the way of progress and
parking. The explosives were
packed, somewhere a guy had
his finger on a button, the
countdown: three, two, one
and down it came, cubicles and
all, just like you see on TV.
Josh said it’s about time they
took that thing down and went
to the kitchen to make
everyone coffee. We hung
around for another half hour to
watch them clear the rubble for
Updates



“Please do not unplug or power
off your machine” the screen
read which I took as a threat
minus the “or else” bit so I did
what I always do when I receive
threats and sat dead still while
the machine got busy installing
update 1 of 52 – a ne w record.
The threat came at an awkward
time – the middle of the night –
together with the sudden
realisation that the baffling
daily updates could be Silicon
Valley’s dress rehearsal – their
Beta version I believe it’s called
– to reverse aging starting with
my rapidly deteriorating
Toshiba A40 series, which at
that point had installed five
updates. I was exactly 15
minutes older.
I sat back to consider the
ramifications of eternal life and
how that could be employed to
decrease my monthly credit
card payments. I considered my
age: 38. A really shit time to
stop aging considering life
starts at 40.
I realised, kind of alarmingly,
how the technical assistants at
Incredible Connection
appeared to remain, if not vital,
eternally young. Thin arms.
Robust skin problems. Limp
wrists. It struck me that the
geeks could stop time itself if
they put their minds to it and
that time indeed might stop for
a man if he had a scr aggly
beard and a greasy pony tail
running down his back.
I wondered whether the
geniuses in California really
thought this thing through.
Whether they will put
overpopulation next on their
list of things to solve or, at the
very least, change the brochure
from ‘live forever’ to ‘live on
top of each other’.
The PC asked me to wait while
it restarted and my thoughts
turned to Violet Mosse-Brown
(117), who became the world’s
oldest person when Emma
Morano (117) died recently. I
wondered whether Emma
might have lived longer had she
used Windows 7, that hardly
ever updates, instead of
Windows 10 that updates
almost daily. It was an
interesting thought.
The laptop came back to life
with a message that started off
well enough telling me it was
busy “configuring windows
updates” and that it was “35%
complete”. The tide turned at
the end unfortunately with the
direct order, “Do not turn off
your computer”, which I
obeyed without thinking.
I looked at the clock that now
said 1 am. I w as exactly five
hours older since the or deal
started. I looked down at my
arm. Old man skin. The scr een
went in and out of focus as
delirium took hold. At 55%
complete, I suffered a mild
stroke, followed by a heart
attack at the 75% mark.
I called family and friends with
the sad news that I think I
might be dying waiting for my
laptop to shut down. They
rushed over and stood around
me holding my hand as we all
waited for the screen to turn to
black. Instead it read, “Shuting
down”.
I saw my soul leave my body
from a vantage point a couple
of metres away as my limp
frame slumped forward onto
the keyboard. The paramedics
arrived a little while la ter, so I
was told, and rushed me t o
Grootte Schuur where they
brought me back to life. The
doctors gave me one year to
live.
Sad, they said, considering life
begins at 40.
Gordon Bleu



As part of my ongoing study of
the tastes of the world I
emailed a number of outlets
about an item called Gordon
Bleu.
The dish I notice d on their
menus shared many
characteristucs with the French
classic, Cordon Bleu, with the
obvious difference being the
spelling.
Most of the restaurants didn't
respond leading me to think
their obsession with spelling
runs so deep it' s preventing
them from sending emails.
The more relaxed outlets did
respond, however, and offered
a variety of explanations of why
they chose to name ham
wrapped in chicken after a guy
called Gordon.
TO: KWIKSPAR
Hi there
I noticed a dish called Gordon
Bleu in one of y our KwikSpars. I
was wondering who Gordon is?
My first thought was maybe he
works in the deli and deli s taff
think so highly of his chick en
skills they decided to name a
dish after him.
Then I thought, no, Gordon
Ramsay is a bona fide chef so
probably the ham-filled chicken
balls are named after him. That
would make sense, but Gordon
Ramsay endorses Checkers so
there's that.
I know for a fact it's not
Gordhan Pravin (different
spelling plus the balls ar e
pretty expensive) which only
leaves Flash Gordon. Is it Flash
Gordon? Because it's a
KwikSpar?
Please let me know.
Regards
Hans
FROM: KWIKSPAR
Bhaaahahaha. LOL.
Embarrassing but you have
made it so funny!
Which Kwikspar was this at and
I will have it fixed up asap.
TO: UNIVERSITY OF JYVÄSKYLÄ, NORWAY
Hi there
I’m studying the ‘Tastes of the
World’. I noticed a dish c alled
'Escalope of Turkey (Gordon
Bleu)' on your menu.
I was wondering who Gordon
is?
My instincts tells me he hails
from the British Isles; the name
Gordon having its origins in
England. Why he chose to
travel to Scandinavia I don't
know.
The Turkey connection also
baffles me.
Please can you assist in this
regard?
Regards
Hans
TO: UNIVERSITY OF JYVÄSKYLÄ, NORWAY
Hello Hans
Thank you for your contact!
Gordon is one of the oldest
friends of our Stude nt Union.
Gordon lives in Turkey (maybe
this is why you are confused)
but he visits he re in Jyväskylä
once in while.
His mother is from England,
which explains the name roots.
Everybody loves Gordon,
especially his bleu eyes. I hope
to see him again soon.
I hope this ans wer is satisfying
you.
If you have more questions,
please don't hesitate to
contact. I will gladly help you!
Good luck with the research, I
can't wait the results!
Warm Regard
Agnetha
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
My partner and I are having an
argument we need your help
with. We noticed a dish called
Gordon Bleu on your menu.
We're wondering who Gordon
is?
We're both vegan (one of the
things we have in common) so
we're a little thin on culinar y
history.
My partner says he's one of the
owners. I reckon he's a French
man (surname Blue) who got
married at Stukkies Liefde and
raved about the dish.
Kindly let us know so we can
settle this little lovers' quarrel.
Regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi
You are right, it is a specialty of
the caterer, whose grandfather
was Gordon. It was his special
take on the classic Cor don Bleu.
Lizelle
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
Who is right? Me or my
partner?
By the way, I'm scouting for a
wedding venue so be careful
who you choose.
Regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
You of course :-)
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Well Lizelle, you’ve twisted my
arm.
My partner and I would like to
tie the knot on your plot on
October 4, 2014.
We're planning a rugby-themed
wedding to accommodate
guests who want to watch the
game between South Africa and
New Zealand.
Kick-off is at 17:00. We will
need three big screens next to
the aisle at the wedding service
and another three in the tent
at the reception.
To make up for the wedding's
male skew, we're inviting
Nataniël. Gordon Ramsay will
be accompanying Nataniël -
strictly as a Checkers branding
partner - and this is whe re we
need your caterer's help.
Gordon hates "fucking Gordon
Bleu". We'd like to keep
obscenities down to a minimum
so can we ask your caterer to
name his take on the classic
something else?
There is a university in Norway
that call it "Escalope of Turkey
Gordon Bleu", but that still has
the word Gordon in. Maybe
"Escalope of Heidelberg"?
Let us know.
Regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
I suggest that you come have a
look at the venue and then you
can decide where you would
want the big screens.
For how many people would it
be?
Sure, I will be uploading n ew
menus anyway within the next
few weeks.
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
My partner is not happ y with
the rugby theme - we'll have to
re-consider and get back to
you.
The wedding is off for now.
Thanks and regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hmmm I’m not really surprised. Good luck with that.
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
Good news! The wedding is
back on! Turns out the sporting
code was the problem.
My partner agreed to a
cricket-themed wedding, so
we'll still need the big screens
only this time we’ll need them
up for five days.
South Africa take on the West
Indies from January 2 to
January 7, 2015 so w e'll need
the venue from 2nd to the 7th.
Please let me know if this is
doable.
Regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Ok great that is do-able. So you want to rent the venue for 5 days??
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
Five days, yes.
Just to let you know, we're
geting very excited this side.
Stukkies Liefde is absolutely
perfect for our nuptials,
regardless of the fact that it's in
Heidelberg.
We are looking at other
venues, however.
Please will you let us know if
the below requests are doable?
Would be great if you could
answer each bullet point
separately:
• We want guests to arrive by
boat on the river next to the
venue. The boat will embark
from Joburg and navigate the
network of rivers connecting
the city to your venue. We are
concerned that, upon arriving
at the venue, the boat will have
nowhere to moor forcing
guests to swim ashore risking
damage to their electronic
equipment (cell phones, iPads
etc). Does Stukkies & Stokkies
have a mooring facility and will
it be open on Januar y 1, 2015?
Please can you also supply us
with a map and the names of
the rivers between Heidelberg
and Park Station in Joburg?
• We're thinking of strapping a
GoPro to a dog to capture the
wedding on video. Do you have
a dog that can go the distance
for 5 days? A Great Dane would
be great for its height or if you
have a Yorkie we can ask
someone to carry the dog for
head and shoulder shots. It
would be nice if the dog was
dipped (for the sake of the
GoPro and whoever will be
carrying the animal) but if it's
not that's also OK. We'll dip it
in the river ourselves if you can
just get the go-ahead from your
neighbors down stream. It'd be
sad to have a Erin Brockovich
type situation after all the
excitement of the wedding.
• Many of our friends ar e
Buddhists, sorry, nudists (some
are both) which means the y
can drop their kit at any
moment. Are you okay with
that? We can confine them to
the pool area and call it a
colony - maybe add some
penguins for effect - but we
can't guarantee they'll stay
there for the duration of the
wedding. Do you perhaps have
wooded areas out of vie w but
within walking distance from
the main reception area?
Thanks and regards
Hans
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi
The river boat ride would not
be possible unfortunately. The
stream is not big enough f or
boats and boats are not
allowed.
We have 2 huskies, but I do not
know whether they would do
what you request. They tend to
run away.
Yes we are ok with nudity and it
is quite covered from public
view is that is your thing.
Lizelle
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Hi Lizelle
That’s a shame about the
stream. I expected more from
Heidelberg. It’s OK, we can
drive people in and float them
down the stream on blow-up
rubber boats. Or tyres. We’ll
work out the details.
Don’t worry about the dogs,
we’ll discipline them.
Your position on public nudity
is refreshing.
Please will you send us a pic of
your new menu with Gordon
Bleu changed to Escalope of
Heidelberg?
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE
BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
Our menu has changed. You can see the new menu on our website.
TO: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE
What?! What's happened to the Gordon Bleu?
FROM: STUKKIES LIEFDE BOUTIQUE WEDDING VENUE